I may still love him...

Sometimes we have that one.
I've had several relationships. I know I'm young, but there is no age limit on emotions or feelings. There's no telling how many relationships a person may go through in their lives, either. Even after you find "the one", it may end in divorce and a finding of "the real one". Who or what is the one? How are we supposed to know? Would someone who doesn't believe in love at first sight, a skeptic, be able to recognize their one at a first glance? And if so, how does that register in their minds, especially as non-believers?
The hardest part of loving someone is all the little things. The snoring, nail-biting, hand washing obsessions, tooth-picking, whatever else there may be. It's hard to love all the little things about someone sometimes. And, in being with someone, there's some unsaid bond-

I will learn to live with the little things, or this can't work.

But in loving someone, that bond changes-

I love you. I love you, because of the little things.

My heart has been broken. A few times with funny little highschool love, but my heart has truly been broken by a real love, too. A relationship that couldn't grow because of geographical distance, emotional barriers, personal confusion. Sometimes it's impossible to make something work because there are so many forces on the outside. Sometimes, love isn't enough.
It's been almost a year since the breakup. It's been almost a year, but when I see him- there isn't anything that can stop me from throwing my arms around him. Not the sadness or grief I felt in the ending. Not any people I've met, or he's met. Because there is absolutely nothing but him. Because I feel connected to him in a way I've never let anyone get in, and maybe I got in, too. When we come together it's Earth-shattering bliss. Time stops, planets collide, a tidal wave consumes the entire world and we are left together in a heap of exhaustion and touch. He plays with my hair and it makes me feel like the only woman God ever made. I can be me: silly, weird, random me. Every bit of me. And he knows that it's me before I even open my mouth to talk. He reads every thought and movement and fear. He's in my head before I can even figure out what I want. And when I look at him: I see him. Before, I would look at him and not understand it. I would see thoughts in his eyes and not be able to read it. And the other day, I couldn't read words. But I read feelings. I saw that he thinks something of me. And when I asked him why he looked at me that way, he says-

Ever since our relationship, I feel so connected to you. Not just physically, but I feel so close to you.

Feeling. Feeling. I could see feeling. I could feel the feeling. Radiating off him, looking down on me. That was probably the best thing he's ever said to me. And now, he tells me he loves me. Tells me he knows it. I don't know if it's a friend love, or the love that I gave him, that I confessed one night in a quick, hurried sentence, afraid of the effects. But I know he loves me. I know my life will never be the same because I met this boy. And would do anything to keep him in my life. Not even as a boyfriend, I mean just to have him continue being an important influence to me. He's going to be my friend forever. I can feel that when I look at him.
We could've worked. Might've, at least. There would've been a chance had we been in the right place, the right time. He asked me-

Would you ever consider getting back with me?

A thought that once haunted me. I used to be angry, maybe he wasn't giving me enough of a chance back then. And I worked through the anger, the bitterness, and I settled. On our friendship. On feeling content. But I respond-

I could only try to be with you if we were in the same city. I couldn't do the distance all over again.

But how could this distance ever be filled? I've worked through my emotional barriers with him. And it seems like he's worked a hell of a lot of that out, too. Our own personal issues will always be ours, but we help eachother through it. But the most practical, "easiest" solved problem: location, location, location. It's too selfish, young, impractical, to relocate one's life completely. And love should never be a selfish act. Who knows if we'll ever be together again. Who knows if there will be another boy who can look at me that way, who can make me feel that way. Who knows?


I'm still taking life one day at a time. But, God, do I love that man.

Bonnaroodles!!!

The lineup was officially posted yesterday. And, as of today, the wonderful music fest held inManchester, TN is 119 days away. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

The Police • Tool • Widespread Panic • The White Stripes • Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals • Wilco • The Flaming Lips • MANU CHAO Radio Bemba Sound System • The String Cheese Incident • Franz Ferdinand • Bob Weir & Ratdog • Damien Rice • Ween • Gov't Mule • Ziggy Marley • The Decemberists • Kings of Leon • Michael Franti & Spearhead • Wolfmother • Regina Spektor • The Black Keys • Galactic • DJ Shadow • Gillian Welch • Spoon • Keller Williams (WMD'S) • Sasha & John Digweed • STS9 • Old Crow Medicine Show • The Hold Steady • Lily Allen • North Mississippi Allstars • Fountains Of Wayne • Hot Tuna • Feist • Hot Chip • John Butler Trio • Ralph Stanley & the Clinch Mountain Boys • Aesop Rock • The Richard Thompson Band • Dierks Bentley • James Blood Ulmer • Xavier Rudd • Gogol Bordello • Junior Brown • Tortoise • T-Bone Burnett • Mavis Staples • Clutch • Cold War Kids • Dr. Dog • Paolo Nutini • Brazilian Girls • RX Bandits • The Nightwatchman • The Slip • Girl Talk • Railroad Earth • Martha Wainwright • Rodrigo y Gabriela • Annuals • Tea Leaf Green • Sam Roberts Band • Elvis Perkins in Dearland • Charlie Louvin • Sonya Kitchell • Mute Math • Apollo Sunshine • Uncle Earl • The National • The Little Ones • Black Angels • Ryan Shaw • Lewis Black & Friends • Dave Attell • David Cross •

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! Ok, bands that I am REALLY excited to see:

The Police, Widespread Panic, BEN HARPER, FLAMING LIPS, STRING CHEESE, ween, SPEARHEAD, Regina Spektorrrrrrrrrrrr, KELLER, sts9. (i also can see the others i know being fun- franz, damien rice, gov't mule)

I'm also looking forward to seeing Tool and White Stripes. Nothing I've really listened to, but I'm really interested in hearing them. I've been hearing great things about a live Tool show. Also, the other bands that I don't really know excite me. Part of the fun in Bonnaroo is stumbling across the bands that you may not know, getting to hear some tunes, and loving them. I can't wait to find some new music to fall in love with!
Like, before the Roo last year, I never even heard of Buddy Guy. And I remember wandering with my friend and kind of hearing something I liked, so we gravitated towards that stage. And let me tell you, I love him now! See, that's what Bonnaroo is supposed to do: get you to listen to new music. I'm thrilled. I can't wait.


Bonnaroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 2007!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy Nights Are Usually Sweeter

Sometimes you need weird nights with good friends.
My one best friend, Michael, is leaving in just a few days. He's going to Australia and won't be back for months. So now every night him, Tara & I are out and about- it's a photoshoot. So, looking like hell, hopped up on ice cream, and driving around to playgrounds that are closed off for the season, we take on Northeast Philadelphia and it's surrounding suburbs by storm.
I'm happy Tara won't be going away, because it really is going to be hard without Mike. I've known him since forever, but we became really close the summer before highschool/ throughout highschool. He knows how to deal with me when I'm all messy and emotional and crazy about whatever issue it just may happen to be, so what am I to do without him?!? Sure, I'll be able to talk to him and all that, but who do I call when I'm bored on a Wednesday night and there's nothing to do when I'm looking for entertainment? Oh right, that's why Tara will still be here. Haha. But Tara and I both work a lot so sometimes we're just old ladies who want to go home and sleep. But at least we'll have eachother in the absence of mah Pickle. [Mike's nickname is Pickle...]
Last night was fun, though. And the three of us plan on hanging out one more time at least this Friday. Mike leaves on Saturday. Oh, how sad!


In other news: Bonnaroo list is posted this Wednesday. The artist lineup for my wonderful TN music festival is posted in only 3 days. I want to dance in my pants. The sad thing is, once it's posted I have to wait all the way until June to see my wonderful TN campground again. Oh, the wait that hurts!!! You should all check it out, though, it's a great time: www.bonnaroo.com

This week brings so much emotion! Pickle's departure, Bonnaroo list arrival! Oy vey!!!

Hooray for Thursdays

When I was a little kid, Thursday was the day before Friday.
In high school, Thursday was usually the night before a test or quiz.
When I lived away at college, Thursday was Thirty Thursday.
Now, after finishing 2.5 years of school, moving home, finding myself a job- I find that I look forward to Thursdays simply because it's a good TV day.

I've become hopelessly addicted to Grey's Anatomy, fallen in love with Ugly Betty, and ready for another season of Survivor. Let's take a moment to talk about each:

Grey's Anatomy: What a wonderfully entertaining show. A friend of mine criticizes me, saying that it's just unbelievably attractive people with an unrealistically sexy and steamy storyline... but with great camera angles. I don't care that it's filled with so much sex. I don't mind that the men and women of Seattle Grace are so good looking. I understand that, in real life, many would lose their jobs if they pull half the stunts that go on at that hospital. But I love it. This show is my guilty pleasure, the only TV show that I really look forward to every week. It does exactly what it's supposed to, entertain. I love the characters (even the ones I love to hate) and can't wait to see what happens next.

Ugly Betty: Now, the reason I started watching Ugly Betty was because I didn't have cable in my apartment last semester. And you can watch this online. So, to get my TV fix (which really isn't much, considering I watch an average of 5 hours a week...) I began to watch Ugly Betty. At first, I thought it was just a really odd show, something I could never really actually like or care about the characters. But as a I continued to watch it, they all really started to grow on me. It kind of reminds me of older shows where there is always some pleasant lesson at the end, some moral of the story that wraps it all up and leaves you with that warm feeling inside.

Survivor: Now this is a more complicated situation. I was entranced with Survivor at Season One. I tried to stick with it Season Two. And as the seasons kept going, I kept losing interest. I didn't have cable my first year of college. I was more interested in the "Thirsty Thursday" aspect of it in my later semesters (And 8pm is a good time to shower if you want to be ready to start drinking by 9). But my best friend and mother have always been hopelessly addicted to the show. And more so than I enjoy the show, I enjoy watching it with them and talking about the characters, the challenges, what will come next. Tonight starts the beginning of the next season, and I am excited to see what goes on at the next remote location.

SO, yea. Other than all of that, my Thursdays are just like any other day. I schedule my own appointments with my job (I work as a vitamin sales rep) so, sometimes I will work on Sundays or Saturdays and not have anything to do on Mondays. I don't mind, I love my job. It's really laid back and everyone I work with is pretty awesome, as well. No complaints here.

As a person, I try to remain relatively optimistic. And I do a pretty good job, too. One of the reasons people see me as a more mature person is because when something bad happens, I know that good things happen, too. People die, you fail, you fall. Dwelling is never going to stop any of these things. Sure, I get sad. Sometimes I think the sky is falling and my life will never get better- that God hates me and the world is against me. But I do buy into the whole spiel that you only get as much as you can handle. Because, well, otherwise I wouldn't be here. It's really that simple.

My only regrets in life have been that since graduating highschool, I've written significantly less. I was a Writing major in high school, who traded that in to work towards a B.S. in Molecular Biology in college. Yea, quite a change. I'd be really happy doing the science thing, but I know that I am a talented writer, as well. So I'm trying to write more often again. In part, that's why I started this, because just by getting something out everyday, it's better than never writing. It helps "get the juices flowing", I guess.


Oh my, recent update:
Since I've been sitting here typing, I've been talking to a different one of my best friends. A big flyers fan, she has an extra ticket for tonight's game. I love going to sports events. But, haven't I just typed an entire entry about how excited I am for tonight???
Here's what I think I will do: Use the technology that we have available, and record the tv shows. Go to the game. Come home, watch recorded tv. And be merry.

How does all of that sound?

Climb Aboard, the Misguided Express

So, I'm new to this site. But I like the simplicity of online journal [blogging, whatever you want to call it] so I've come back for another round. A lot of the time I don't get around to posting on these type of things when I feel relatively normal, it's typically when I'm overwhelmed or super-happy. So sometimes I come off with some bi-polar crazed looking attitude. But I'm not. Just your typical 20 year old chick that's still finding her way in the world. And, let me tell you, it's been quite the ride so far...