eight minutes to blog. but if i don't do it now then it'll never get done. i've fallen so behind on this. so unlike me.
lots of thinking lately. and i can't help it. feelings and emotions and decisions that make me as happy as they do choke me. so real. o REAL. maybe one of the most real risks i've come to, and not just because it's a risk but also bc if it doesnt work... then thats it/. if it doesnt work then it isnt real and i made it all up. in my head. emotion emotion emotion. where is love what is love IS this love. because it feels like so much and i feel like i can just get lost in it forever and ivm afraid of that bc ive been lost in love before. and sharing a house. never done that. not with a love. someone in my space. real life now. what is alone time. ohyea, it doesnt exist in that setting. maybe ill run away to a friends one night to drink wine and talk and be silly. but i want to go home to him. there is no one else when theres him. its only him. so why am i afraid. if we take this risk and it fails then maybe ill never really know how to find love. maybe i dont know real love when it hit me-- bc this feels so real and so true and already im scared for my freedom. funny thing is, i think he may cherish his own alone time as much as i do, if not more. so maybe we will be ok. maybe we can go to our separate corners. and love each other. and hate each other just enough to be able to spend time apart when it;s needed. EVERYONE needs space. i know that. he knows that.but right now im not thinking about the pace. im thinking about how much i really really DO want him here. but growing up feels so scary.
i feel like i find myself more everyday i spend feeling and thinking and second guessing. and the only real conclusion i have right now, is that this risk is most definitely worth it. he may be the most wonderful thing to stroll into my life. and maybe we'll find out for certain.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
You won't find moments in a box & someone else will set your clocks
My, my, my. How much time we've missed. A solid 2+ months. I get so wrapped up in summer- in going out, running myself rugged seeing and talking and spending time with the people I miss so much during the year when I'm busy. So I can't really say I'm mad at myself for neglecting my blog so much-- I've been living, having a fun time. How could I ever regret that?
In a brief summary- Bonnaroo was amazing. My week out West was amazing. My return home since that week has been a little crazy, but I'm certainly not complaining and have enjoyed losing myself to the madness of things.
But now it's nearing the end of August. My car inspection is due this month. I need to figure out the whole class situation (which will be updated as soon as I figure it out) so by September I should be falling into a nice grove. So that's MY update on my personal life, now onto the real blogging, the topic that has finally led me to this very page on this very day!
friendship
a concept so simple, so pure, something we're all so eager to find to preserve because best friends happen all the time, but great friends aren't so easy to come by, aren't always sticking around. I feel confident that the very people I call my best friends, that I surround myself with, I do this because they are also GREAT friends. We all learn and grow and get so much from each other, no matter how big or small it is it's still something, another reason why I appreciate those in my life so much. My friends do a really amazing job at being there for me when I need it, even when I'm not being so open about needing anything. I find relaxation in the people I open up to, spend my time with.
self
I worry about myo wn self sometimes, though. I struggle to be a person who isn't struggling. To go with things and let it happens how it's supposed to-- whatever will be, will e! But sometimes I get uneasy about that feeling, like I'm just not doing enough to influence my own life, that maybe I should be taking more of a hands-on approach maybe I should continue to grow more assertive, more blunt, more vocal about my current issues or needs-- begin to seek for a stronger sense of self gratification. Reap the benefits, all that crap. And in thinking all of this I second guess myself, too. I see that really great benefits, they'll come in time. If I'm working at a pace that will stress me out and working at a pace that involves a more mellow me, am I not still working?Is my original goal, where I aim to be, what I aim to solve and accomplish-- it'll all still be there. And there'll be a happier, refreshed version of me in the end to enjoy it all. So I'm working on that. On not being stressed out when I don't feel stress. On accepting things for what they are, that I am taking steps, that I am a strong individual. I will make it, I can do it, all that cliche bullshit-- even in the most confident of people it needs to be repeated sometimes. Just last year I had to engage myself in an exercise-- look into the mirror and say "you are beautiful, you are worth it, and you are doing the best that you can". And as stupid as it sounds there were days I couldn't bear to look at myself, to say those words, let alone believe those ideas. That notion that even I, some burnt out college chick, could be worth it-- worth anything pre-degree. And it's such a contrast to me now, where friends sometimes joke I'm conceited, but its anything but. I've begun to recognize myself as a beautiful woman, brimming over with worth and value, and not only say these to myself in the mirror, but really live and breathe and accept these unto myself, as who I Am. There are days when I just really love myself. And if some want to tag me as arrogant, by all means- let them feel free to do what they want. I'm happy. with myself. and my placement. sometimes I wish I knew the future, where all of these things are taking me-- but I'm confident that all the answers will come to me in time. And time is something we all have plenty of. Time is something that moves universal for every person, no matter how we occupy ourselves during the day, the week, the year. There will always be 60 seconds in a minute and 7 days in one week./ And there is only so much we can each do with that. It takes a lot more strength to simply be ok with that, but there is a much bigger payoff because of it...
bottom line: i'll get there. and oh yea, welcome back to the blogging world, once again! =D
In a brief summary- Bonnaroo was amazing. My week out West was amazing. My return home since that week has been a little crazy, but I'm certainly not complaining and have enjoyed losing myself to the madness of things.
But now it's nearing the end of August. My car inspection is due this month. I need to figure out the whole class situation (which will be updated as soon as I figure it out) so by September I should be falling into a nice grove. So that's MY update on my personal life, now onto the real blogging, the topic that has finally led me to this very page on this very day!
friendship
a concept so simple, so pure, something we're all so eager to find to preserve because best friends happen all the time, but great friends aren't so easy to come by, aren't always sticking around. I feel confident that the very people I call my best friends, that I surround myself with, I do this because they are also GREAT friends. We all learn and grow and get so much from each other, no matter how big or small it is it's still something, another reason why I appreciate those in my life so much. My friends do a really amazing job at being there for me when I need it, even when I'm not being so open about needing anything. I find relaxation in the people I open up to, spend my time with.
self
I worry about myo wn self sometimes, though. I struggle to be a person who isn't struggling. To go with things and let it happens how it's supposed to-- whatever will be, will e! But sometimes I get uneasy about that feeling, like I'm just not doing enough to influence my own life, that maybe I should be taking more of a hands-on approach maybe I should continue to grow more assertive, more blunt, more vocal about my current issues or needs-- begin to seek for a stronger sense of self gratification. Reap the benefits, all that crap. And in thinking all of this I second guess myself, too. I see that really great benefits, they'll come in time. If I'm working at a pace that will stress me out and working at a pace that involves a more mellow me, am I not still working?Is my original goal, where I aim to be, what I aim to solve and accomplish-- it'll all still be there. And there'll be a happier, refreshed version of me in the end to enjoy it all. So I'm working on that. On not being stressed out when I don't feel stress. On accepting things for what they are, that I am taking steps, that I am a strong individual. I will make it, I can do it, all that cliche bullshit-- even in the most confident of people it needs to be repeated sometimes. Just last year I had to engage myself in an exercise-- look into the mirror and say "you are beautiful, you are worth it, and you are doing the best that you can". And as stupid as it sounds there were days I couldn't bear to look at myself, to say those words, let alone believe those ideas. That notion that even I, some burnt out college chick, could be worth it-- worth anything pre-degree. And it's such a contrast to me now, where friends sometimes joke I'm conceited, but its anything but. I've begun to recognize myself as a beautiful woman, brimming over with worth and value, and not only say these to myself in the mirror, but really live and breathe and accept these unto myself, as who I Am. There are days when I just really love myself. And if some want to tag me as arrogant, by all means- let them feel free to do what they want. I'm happy. with myself. and my placement. sometimes I wish I knew the future, where all of these things are taking me-- but I'm confident that all the answers will come to me in time. And time is something we all have plenty of. Time is something that moves universal for every person, no matter how we occupy ourselves during the day, the week, the year. There will always be 60 seconds in a minute and 7 days in one week./ And there is only so much we can each do with that. It takes a lot more strength to simply be ok with that, but there is a much bigger payoff because of it...
bottom line: i'll get there. and oh yea, welcome back to the blogging world, once again! =D
Friday, June 1, 2007
[[she could hitch a ride out of town]]
Seeing as how May only had one update, it would be a safe assumption that I've been a pretty busy girl. But let's not dwell on the past, but rather move to the current situations at hand.
Bonnaroo is in less than 2 weeks... and we know I'm all geeked out over that. The setlist has been up for about a week now, too-- and I've been clicking back and forth, setting up timetables for myself to see the bands I want to see. Oh Good GOD, I'm excited. There are a few issues with bands that I want to see playing at the same time. Gr to THAT! However, there may be a small solution for part of that problem: The Virgin Fest in Baltimore in August. Now, it's a 2 day fest, with no camping out. And one of those days is the camp reunion. So if I were to go I'd probably just get a one day pass. Which works because my whole reason for wanting to go in the first place was because Ben Harper overlaps with Ween at Bonnaroo. And Ben will be at Virgin the day the camp reunion is NOT. And so will The Police and Incubus and Beastie Boys and Amy Winehouse. Oh yea, definately worth 97 bucks. And figure it's only for one day, it's only a 2 hour ride, so one tank of gas will be good for me. So I'd put myself in debt for about 150, one week's paycheck. Oh yea, I can do that... But now I just need to find a partner. So... anyone free August 4? Let's do it!!!
While I will be vacationing at the Bonnaroo Arts&Music Festival, a near and dear friend shall be returning to Philadelphia. Oh yes, da Pickle. So I won't get to be the first to see him :( But as soon as I'm home from Roo I'm going to see him [most likely post-shower]. And really, it's about TIME his ass got home. Gone since fucking February, psh-- who DOES that???
Two weeks after Roo I'm leavinggggggggg on a jet planeeeeeeee... for Western PA. Seeing my good people of the Wild, Wild West. I can't really say much about it except that I'm extraordinarily excited to go. I have no idea what I'm doing, what to expect... but I'll be there and that's all that matters.
And on another note: diet/weightloss/exercise/health awareness. I've kinda been doing a mixture of all that. It's been one week and one day. current weight loss: 7 pounds. next goal: 5 pounds by bonnaroo. then 5 more between bonnaroo and leaving for western PA. Reasonable, healthy-- I'M PUMPED! Who knows, maybe the western PA kids won't even recognize me by that time ;)
So it's time I went now. But there we are with an update. HAPPY JUNE!!!
Bonnaroo is in less than 2 weeks... and we know I'm all geeked out over that. The setlist has been up for about a week now, too-- and I've been clicking back and forth, setting up timetables for myself to see the bands I want to see. Oh Good GOD, I'm excited. There are a few issues with bands that I want to see playing at the same time. Gr to THAT! However, there may be a small solution for part of that problem: The Virgin Fest in Baltimore in August. Now, it's a 2 day fest, with no camping out. And one of those days is the camp reunion. So if I were to go I'd probably just get a one day pass. Which works because my whole reason for wanting to go in the first place was because Ben Harper overlaps with Ween at Bonnaroo. And Ben will be at Virgin the day the camp reunion is NOT. And so will The Police and Incubus and Beastie Boys and Amy Winehouse. Oh yea, definately worth 97 bucks. And figure it's only for one day, it's only a 2 hour ride, so one tank of gas will be good for me. So I'd put myself in debt for about 150, one week's paycheck. Oh yea, I can do that... But now I just need to find a partner. So... anyone free August 4? Let's do it!!!
While I will be vacationing at the Bonnaroo Arts&Music Festival, a near and dear friend shall be returning to Philadelphia. Oh yes, da Pickle. So I won't get to be the first to see him :( But as soon as I'm home from Roo I'm going to see him [most likely post-shower]. And really, it's about TIME his ass got home. Gone since fucking February, psh-- who DOES that???
Two weeks after Roo I'm leavinggggggggg on a jet planeeeeeeee... for Western PA. Seeing my good people of the Wild, Wild West. I can't really say much about it except that I'm extraordinarily excited to go. I have no idea what I'm doing, what to expect... but I'll be there and that's all that matters.
And on another note: diet/weightloss/exercise/health awareness. I've kinda been doing a mixture of all that. It's been one week and one day. current weight loss: 7 pounds. next goal: 5 pounds by bonnaroo. then 5 more between bonnaroo and leaving for western PA. Reasonable, healthy-- I'M PUMPED! Who knows, maybe the western PA kids won't even recognize me by that time ;)
So it's time I went now. But there we are with an update. HAPPY JUNE!!!
Thursday, May 24, 2007
It smells like summer
I've missed so much updating lately. But it's been pretty busy.
I went to SHAREfest, had an amazingggggg time there. It was an absolutely amazing adventure, a place where I felt completely at ease. I had no worries, no phone, no connection to anyone or thing that wasn't at sharefest and it was a relaxing, much needed event. Sure, it was followed by a mini-anxiety attack upon my return, but I blame that all on the shock of the real world.
Bonnaroo is in 20 days. Wow, isn't THAT exciting! I'm very pumped to see what TN has in store for me this time around. And I'm thrilled that not only will my Augiebaby companion be there, but Erin and Lacey are confirmed as well-- what a sweet time!!! We might have a surprise 5th, but I'll find that out before the weekend is up. Either way- it looks like it's going to be quite the adventure.
Other than that I've been spending time seeing people. One of my best friends graduated college [how weird] and actually landed the job he wants! Other people have come home for the summer and I've had a blast meeting up with them, getting silly and talking nonsense.
This is a very short update. Because there is a 4 year old leaning on my body, ready to go play outside. And I must listen to this very small, very cute, very demanding little boy. Today I started a new diet regimen, I'd like to talk about that in my next entry-lol. See how it's going at that point & progress, etc. SO- expect more news from me early next week.
Ciao.
I went to SHAREfest, had an amazingggggg time there. It was an absolutely amazing adventure, a place where I felt completely at ease. I had no worries, no phone, no connection to anyone or thing that wasn't at sharefest and it was a relaxing, much needed event. Sure, it was followed by a mini-anxiety attack upon my return, but I blame that all on the shock of the real world.
Bonnaroo is in 20 days. Wow, isn't THAT exciting! I'm very pumped to see what TN has in store for me this time around. And I'm thrilled that not only will my Augiebaby companion be there, but Erin and Lacey are confirmed as well-- what a sweet time!!! We might have a surprise 5th, but I'll find that out before the weekend is up. Either way- it looks like it's going to be quite the adventure.
Other than that I've been spending time seeing people. One of my best friends graduated college [how weird] and actually landed the job he wants! Other people have come home for the summer and I've had a blast meeting up with them, getting silly and talking nonsense.
This is a very short update. Because there is a 4 year old leaning on my body, ready to go play outside. And I must listen to this very small, very cute, very demanding little boy. Today I started a new diet regimen, I'd like to talk about that in my next entry-lol. See how it's going at that point & progress, etc. SO- expect more news from me early next week.
Ciao.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Glory Days [they'll pass you by]
This is it, kids. This is supposed to be the epitome of it all.
I am single. I am beautiful. I am clever and funny and extremely unnaturally original. I'm that girl who requests grapes during sex and popsicles afterwards. I'll do anything, especially if you tell me I can't. I have a part-time job and will be taking classes, which gives me the feeling that I'm accomplishing something, but also the freedom to run around and get drunk and climb trees topless and regularly engage in power hours.
But why does it feel so hard to do all of these things sometimes? I'm not supposed to worry about the future. Think about it, yea. Hope I'm preparing myself, of course. But not stress it. Because it's all coming about it time. Yet, I find myself compromising these carefree days with a head full of worries.
I look drop dead gorgeous tonight. If you know me, you know I'm not conceited. And I have a small pimple right below my nose. But it's really hard to notice. And not because it's that small. But because I really just look spectacular tonight. You have no idea what an extreme burst of esteem I have at this moment.
So I'm going out. I'm spending money at Victoria's Secret. I'm hanging out with a good guy friend of mine. We'll probably go out to eat or something. And chat and sing music really loud and I'm going to have a great time.
[[it's impossible not to love me. i'm fabulous. i sparkle.]]
I am single. I am beautiful. I am clever and funny and extremely unnaturally original. I'm that girl who requests grapes during sex and popsicles afterwards. I'll do anything, especially if you tell me I can't. I have a part-time job and will be taking classes, which gives me the feeling that I'm accomplishing something, but also the freedom to run around and get drunk and climb trees topless and regularly engage in power hours.
But why does it feel so hard to do all of these things sometimes? I'm not supposed to worry about the future. Think about it, yea. Hope I'm preparing myself, of course. But not stress it. Because it's all coming about it time. Yet, I find myself compromising these carefree days with a head full of worries.
I look drop dead gorgeous tonight. If you know me, you know I'm not conceited. And I have a small pimple right below my nose. But it's really hard to notice. And not because it's that small. But because I really just look spectacular tonight. You have no idea what an extreme burst of esteem I have at this moment.
So I'm going out. I'm spending money at Victoria's Secret. I'm hanging out with a good guy friend of mine. We'll probably go out to eat or something. And chat and sing music really loud and I'm going to have a great time.
[[it's impossible not to love me. i'm fabulous. i sparkle.]]
Friday, April 27, 2007
What a Blog!
Let me take this entry to discuss how appropriate my blog name is.
Undecided, undefined.
I figured it would be a good title for my blog when I created it. For several reasons; 1.It's from a Phish song, 2.Blogs are a place to arrange thoughts, to define things, to decide what the heck is going on, 3.I am extremely indecisive. Really, I never know what the heck I'm gonna do next.
Which leads me to today's blog: What the hell does Nicole want?
Education
I have 2.5 semesters completed at Clarion University. (Yes, even including the last semester that I botched bc I came IN with credits and took summer classes.) I have put in an application for CCP [Community College of Phila hollerrrrrrrrrrrrr] and they want me to take placement tests bla bla bla for fall classes. I have those 2.5 semesters as a Molecular Biology major. I am going to be enrolled in the Science Department at CCP. Science. Hmph. There's a lot of money there. Not only that, but I'm good at it. I do enjoy it. I can enjoy it. And I'm really, really good at it.
In high school I did that whole Creative Writing thing. And I feel as though a portion of my mental breakdown last year was due in part of losing this creative outlet. I am a good writer. I know, we don't see so much of this in my blogs. Because this is my a journal-ish thing. But I know I am a good writer. I am a strong writer. I enjoy it.
So where does this leave me? I need to get motivated to enroll myself in classes. But I need to decide. Do I want to just finish up and serve my time, transfer credits to a real university and get my B.S. in Molecular Biology. Or do I want to add a writing minor to that, slave myself in the education system for even longer, but allowing that creative part of me to flourish- hopefully saving my mental health in the process?
Employment
Bills. Tuition. Vacation. Dinner dates. Gas. Money makes the world go 'round. It's so damn true. I spent the first 4 months of this year working for a company called Hale. Nice place. They wanted too much of me though. Wanted me to move up their corporate ladder. I have bigger plans than that, though. I didn't want some corporation with limitations to suck me in. It reminded me of the way my friends from small towns talk about where they're from. How some people just never get out, never want to. I have always had bigger dreams for myself than selling my soul to a company, working my way up, and knowing that's all I'll learn for the rest of my life.
So, soon I should be working for a store that's 15 minutes from my house. [If I pass the drug test, that is. Results should be in by now, I'll give the store a call tomorrow... keep your fingers crossed.] I really like the store. I really like the manager and all of the employees that I met. I really like that it's a good job to have while still in school, taking classes. That the store will recognize my life will go on. I go in, I work my hours, I get my paycheck. Simple. I like that. I really want this job. It's pretty perfect for my life right now.
Family
Anyone who knows me personally, knows that my family is full of crazed individuals. Not one person in my family is "normal". They can't even pretend to be "normal". They're perpetually crazy with spikes of insanity. But they are mine. They are my family. And while I go on rants sometimes, I hate it when people try to add their 2 cents of information on my family. I know they're not perfect. I know I bitch. But don't you dare trash talk my mother. She's not the best all of the time. And even I call her shitty things when I go on my rants. But that's out of my frustration. I vent, but still hold all the love in the world for my family in my heart. So when I bitch, you listen as a friend. You nod when I need agreement. You say you're there for me. But you do not pass judgement on my family. They're insane. But we've all been through a lot. More than any one person should be in a lifetime. More than most will ever go through in a lifetime. Ahem, well yea- now that that's done.
My family drives me crazy. I live with my mother now, again. And I came home to face my problems. And in doing so, I think I've realized my biggest problem: my family. I have severe family issues. My mother, my brother, my grandmother. Somedays I even think I have Daddy issues. Yep, for the daddy that never was. And I've realized that time isn't going to fix it all. Time will help me cope, but I'll never be 100% ok with my family. I will accept them. And love them. And be there for them. But they will always drive me crazy. They will push me too far. They make me wonder why I'm alive or if I'm really worth it. They beat my emotions up so hard that I wish I didn't have any emotions at all.
I will always love my family. But I can't live here anymore. I can't be in the same house. I can not live here anymore. It's not running away. I came home; I faced it. And I have no clue where I need to be. But it's not here. We all get along much better when we don't live on top of eachother. I need to not live here anymore.
Location, Location, Location
So if not here, then where? I need a roommate. A partner in crime. Somebody who wants out as much as I do. Somebody who I can do the everyday things with. Who will be great and fun and all of those wonderful things, but know when I need my space. Cause, trust me kids, this girl needs space sometimes. But where am I going? And with who? And how soon? By the end of this yea I plan on having a few thousand saved. Enough to get up and started somewhere. I'm good with bills. And coupon clipping and saving. So it's not actually being somewhere that's the issue, just getting there. And who the hell am I going anywhere with?
Friends
I love my people. We're a diverse and friendly and spontaneous and sincere crew. They're devoted and lovable, and really how much more could you want from best friends? Their strength has helped me through so many difficult times, and I know our journey is just getting started. This may be the only thing that I'm sure of in my life: my friends. They're a good bunch of people. And I just have no idea what I'd do without them. They're the only real and dependable and splendid bunch of people that I'm just so glad to call my own. Well, that's ONE thing I guess, haha.
Love
Oh, love. For as long as I can remember, I have been the hopeless romantic. When I was a kid, I was saving everything for marriage. Even "2nd base". It's funny how much things change. How I thought my first boyfriend was it. And GOOD GOD how FAR away from the truth I was about that one. And then there was another one. And, for sure, HE was the one. Psh. Yea... right. And that's me. Getting wrapped up and involved and broken time and time again.
Except this one time I met this different boy. And everything about us getting together was all wrong, but we did it anyway. And it was the first long distance thing I've ever had, but I did it anyway. And he left the state for months and I figured there was no way in hell my sex drive would pause, but it did. Then I left the COUNTRY to spend days getting drunk with goodlooking peers in such a beautiful, exotic place and I figured that there was no way temptation would contain me, but it did. I told him I loved him and it wasn't returned, but I survived. And we broke up and broke my heart, but I survived. And we mantained a friendship. That has grown to be so much of a friendship to me. He's such an important person in my life. And I love him, I do. Some days I want nothing more than to just be with him and around him and have him and have nobody else have him the way that I do. At the same time, I think... maybe I'll go out tonight and have a drink and meet a strange boy to make out with. And when I go out, I can meet a nice stranger and have great talks and then when I'm supposed to have my hands all over him, it just doesn't feel right. It's just not the right one. So does that mean that this boy is the right one? Because even after we've been broken up for over a year, he still has my heart all wrapped up in him. Bah. Who knows? Because I sure as hell don't. I take it one day at a time. I hope to see him at least once a month. My heart leaps when he decides to drive to me or call me or says wonderful things to me. But if I can't do the same for him, then what does it matter what he does for me?
Love. For something so intangible, it's so damn powerful.
So... me. That's me. That's crazy, undecisive me. I can overwhelm myself a lot. Just by thinking about all this crap. All the debt I've put myself in: literally, metaphorically, whatever. And I'm so ready to cash it all in. Figure it out. Get something solid and started. Feel motivated and wanted and to know what I want and have the challenge, the means, of getting it. But I guess we'll know where we're supposed to be when it's time. And then we'll know that we would have done something right...
<3Nicole Lynne Hansen
Undecided, undefined.
I figured it would be a good title for my blog when I created it. For several reasons; 1.It's from a Phish song, 2.Blogs are a place to arrange thoughts, to define things, to decide what the heck is going on, 3.I am extremely indecisive. Really, I never know what the heck I'm gonna do next.
Which leads me to today's blog: What the hell does Nicole want?
Education
I have 2.5 semesters completed at Clarion University. (Yes, even including the last semester that I botched bc I came IN with credits and took summer classes.) I have put in an application for CCP [Community College of Phila hollerrrrrrrrrrrrr] and they want me to take placement tests bla bla bla for fall classes. I have those 2.5 semesters as a Molecular Biology major. I am going to be enrolled in the Science Department at CCP. Science. Hmph. There's a lot of money there. Not only that, but I'm good at it. I do enjoy it. I can enjoy it. And I'm really, really good at it.
In high school I did that whole Creative Writing thing. And I feel as though a portion of my mental breakdown last year was due in part of losing this creative outlet. I am a good writer. I know, we don't see so much of this in my blogs. Because this is my a journal-ish thing. But I know I am a good writer. I am a strong writer. I enjoy it.
So where does this leave me? I need to get motivated to enroll myself in classes. But I need to decide. Do I want to just finish up and serve my time, transfer credits to a real university and get my B.S. in Molecular Biology. Or do I want to add a writing minor to that, slave myself in the education system for even longer, but allowing that creative part of me to flourish- hopefully saving my mental health in the process?
Employment
Bills. Tuition. Vacation. Dinner dates. Gas. Money makes the world go 'round. It's so damn true. I spent the first 4 months of this year working for a company called Hale. Nice place. They wanted too much of me though. Wanted me to move up their corporate ladder. I have bigger plans than that, though. I didn't want some corporation with limitations to suck me in. It reminded me of the way my friends from small towns talk about where they're from. How some people just never get out, never want to. I have always had bigger dreams for myself than selling my soul to a company, working my way up, and knowing that's all I'll learn for the rest of my life.
So, soon I should be working for a store that's 15 minutes from my house. [If I pass the drug test, that is. Results should be in by now, I'll give the store a call tomorrow... keep your fingers crossed.] I really like the store. I really like the manager and all of the employees that I met. I really like that it's a good job to have while still in school, taking classes. That the store will recognize my life will go on. I go in, I work my hours, I get my paycheck. Simple. I like that. I really want this job. It's pretty perfect for my life right now.
Family
Anyone who knows me personally, knows that my family is full of crazed individuals. Not one person in my family is "normal". They can't even pretend to be "normal". They're perpetually crazy with spikes of insanity. But they are mine. They are my family. And while I go on rants sometimes, I hate it when people try to add their 2 cents of information on my family. I know they're not perfect. I know I bitch. But don't you dare trash talk my mother. She's not the best all of the time. And even I call her shitty things when I go on my rants. But that's out of my frustration. I vent, but still hold all the love in the world for my family in my heart. So when I bitch, you listen as a friend. You nod when I need agreement. You say you're there for me. But you do not pass judgement on my family. They're insane. But we've all been through a lot. More than any one person should be in a lifetime. More than most will ever go through in a lifetime. Ahem, well yea- now that that's done.
My family drives me crazy. I live with my mother now, again. And I came home to face my problems. And in doing so, I think I've realized my biggest problem: my family. I have severe family issues. My mother, my brother, my grandmother. Somedays I even think I have Daddy issues. Yep, for the daddy that never was. And I've realized that time isn't going to fix it all. Time will help me cope, but I'll never be 100% ok with my family. I will accept them. And love them. And be there for them. But they will always drive me crazy. They will push me too far. They make me wonder why I'm alive or if I'm really worth it. They beat my emotions up so hard that I wish I didn't have any emotions at all.
I will always love my family. But I can't live here anymore. I can't be in the same house. I can not live here anymore. It's not running away. I came home; I faced it. And I have no clue where I need to be. But it's not here. We all get along much better when we don't live on top of eachother. I need to not live here anymore.
Location, Location, Location
So if not here, then where? I need a roommate. A partner in crime. Somebody who wants out as much as I do. Somebody who I can do the everyday things with. Who will be great and fun and all of those wonderful things, but know when I need my space. Cause, trust me kids, this girl needs space sometimes. But where am I going? And with who? And how soon? By the end of this yea I plan on having a few thousand saved. Enough to get up and started somewhere. I'm good with bills. And coupon clipping and saving. So it's not actually being somewhere that's the issue, just getting there. And who the hell am I going anywhere with?
Friends
I love my people. We're a diverse and friendly and spontaneous and sincere crew. They're devoted and lovable, and really how much more could you want from best friends? Their strength has helped me through so many difficult times, and I know our journey is just getting started. This may be the only thing that I'm sure of in my life: my friends. They're a good bunch of people. And I just have no idea what I'd do without them. They're the only real and dependable and splendid bunch of people that I'm just so glad to call my own. Well, that's ONE thing I guess, haha.
Love
Oh, love. For as long as I can remember, I have been the hopeless romantic. When I was a kid, I was saving everything for marriage. Even "2nd base". It's funny how much things change. How I thought my first boyfriend was it. And GOOD GOD how FAR away from the truth I was about that one. And then there was another one. And, for sure, HE was the one. Psh. Yea... right. And that's me. Getting wrapped up and involved and broken time and time again.
Except this one time I met this different boy. And everything about us getting together was all wrong, but we did it anyway. And it was the first long distance thing I've ever had, but I did it anyway. And he left the state for months and I figured there was no way in hell my sex drive would pause, but it did. Then I left the COUNTRY to spend days getting drunk with goodlooking peers in such a beautiful, exotic place and I figured that there was no way temptation would contain me, but it did. I told him I loved him and it wasn't returned, but I survived. And we broke up and broke my heart, but I survived. And we mantained a friendship. That has grown to be so much of a friendship to me. He's such an important person in my life. And I love him, I do. Some days I want nothing more than to just be with him and around him and have him and have nobody else have him the way that I do. At the same time, I think... maybe I'll go out tonight and have a drink and meet a strange boy to make out with. And when I go out, I can meet a nice stranger and have great talks and then when I'm supposed to have my hands all over him, it just doesn't feel right. It's just not the right one. So does that mean that this boy is the right one? Because even after we've been broken up for over a year, he still has my heart all wrapped up in him. Bah. Who knows? Because I sure as hell don't. I take it one day at a time. I hope to see him at least once a month. My heart leaps when he decides to drive to me or call me or says wonderful things to me. But if I can't do the same for him, then what does it matter what he does for me?
Love. For something so intangible, it's so damn powerful.
So... me. That's me. That's crazy, undecisive me. I can overwhelm myself a lot. Just by thinking about all this crap. All the debt I've put myself in: literally, metaphorically, whatever. And I'm so ready to cash it all in. Figure it out. Get something solid and started. Feel motivated and wanted and to know what I want and have the challenge, the means, of getting it. But I guess we'll know where we're supposed to be when it's time. And then we'll know that we would have done something right...
<3Nicole Lynne Hansen
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Rock it, sexy!
Think back to third grade. And running around and recess time with your best friends, doing cartwheels and climbing on top of the monkey bars. Remember all the notes you passed and sleepovers and engraving your initials in big hearts surround by "BFF". Best Friends Forever. Now... how many people actually TALK to your third grade bff. If it's you, congrats. But hey- I've moved over a dozen times, and keeping people from your past in your life when you're in constant motion can be difficult. There are a few exceptions, of course- they're the real friends, though.
It's amazing the different relationships and dynamics people have with one another. Different roles that we play in eachothers' lives, and how these roles morph or grow or all together dissappear throughout the time you know them. I can honestly say that all of my bests now, weren't always that. There is some point of drama in our history, yet I find that my relationships with them are all drama-free [some more than others, of course...].
In highschool my mom assured me it would be the hardest time of my life. Because I was going to be finding myself, exploring what qualities I wanted to carry into my adult years. And let me tell you: high school was a bitch. I dabbled in love and alcohol and drugs and finding a future and losing friends and creating friends and giving and taking and hoping. Hoping that one day, something might come together. I survived high school... barely, but I have that fucking diploma.
Then my mom assured me college was going to be difficult. Because it would be a true test of relationships you formed in high school, and developing new ones so far from home. And once again, she was right. Some high school bonds have strengthened-- and these are the people that I know will always be in my life. Some are occassionally phone calls and visits on breaks, because it's nice to stay connected. And some have lives that are completely unconnected, unrelated, and uninteresting to me. I met new friends and learned about new things and tried to connect my old world with my new one. With some people it clicked, others... ehhhh, not so much. It happens. Problem is: college presented me with a lot of those bullshit high school problems, except consequences were much larger. Missing class cause you partied too hard the night before can cost you hundreds of dollars, a grade, a scholarship, whatever it may be. Relationships seem to grow fast and dissapate even quicker. The best thing I ever did in college was to keep a relationship with my mother. We weren't BiFFs, but we had a solid relationship. That I could cry to and need and want and hate all in the same day. I have a mother who I can talk to about anything. Sex and alcohol and concerts and old boyfriends and new boyfriends and life decisions and birth control [listen, don't laugh, it can be scary to talk to your mother when she's as nosey as mine is...]. A lot of people, especially girls, don't have parents like that. And trust me, it's important.
My friends, even not the bests, know that I'm a runner. Even if things are fine, I can only sit in one place for a short period of time. I need road trips and freedom and drives at midnight to get chinese food. I'm not always running from something, but I am in constant movement. I'm spontaneous and packed with some uncanny high power of emotion. I wear them all on my sleeves: I bitch when I'm annoyed, yell when I'm mad, cry when I'm upset, you get the jist. But they're intense. I wouldn't change the way I am. It's helped my communication skills greatly. And it's let me love and live and laugh with so much of a deeper intensity. I feel with every single molecule in my body, I'm so connected to myself. And I think the "BiFFs" through the years have added to that. In every relationship, friendship, companionship that we continue to pursue, we must ask not only what we bring to the table, but if they have something to offer. I'm not a taker. I don't want to use someone for their emotion or pretty words or ability to take me out and show me a good time. I want the whole sha-bang. I want them to have their cards on the table, too. (Oh, God- kill me with my cliches!) I like to give myself. I enjoy doing good things for people. Sending cards and e-mails and leaving notes. And I enjoy people who do good things, too. Even if it's not for me in particular, but just good people.
Oh, don't get me wrong: good people do bad things. All of my life decisions haven't exactly been kosher [oh, come on- let me level with you, I know I've done some pretty bad things...]. But I can say I've learned from them. I'm not a bad person because I've made bad decisions. I'm good. A good friend. A good girlfriend. A good family member. I feel blessed as a person. I don't know why, but I feel very connected to the earth, to its people. My decisions don't compromise me as a person. They make me. They give me knowledge and know-how and questions and discovery.
I'm a sucker for discovery.
for hope.
for knowledge.
for love.
for sunshine.
for tempting fate.
for screwing with destiny.
Whatever I am: I'm rockin it. I'm making it my own. I'm a rockstar, a supermodel. I'm the girl at the party that will kick your ass in flip cup and rock it til the bonfire is out. I will remember your birthday. I will love you no matter what. I will not let you use me. I will forgive. I will listen. I will be me every moment you know me: purely, utterly, uncontrollable, mind-blowing, screwed up me. You may have to talk me down from that ledge some days. You might have to hold me while I cry. You might have to carry my drunk ass down a street and help me pick up the pieces. But I do the same. For everyone I've had and lost and found all over again: I am a friend. I'm a good damn friend. And whatever that really is deep down, I'm rockin the damn thang.
It's amazing the different relationships and dynamics people have with one another. Different roles that we play in eachothers' lives, and how these roles morph or grow or all together dissappear throughout the time you know them. I can honestly say that all of my bests now, weren't always that. There is some point of drama in our history, yet I find that my relationships with them are all drama-free [some more than others, of course...].
In highschool my mom assured me it would be the hardest time of my life. Because I was going to be finding myself, exploring what qualities I wanted to carry into my adult years. And let me tell you: high school was a bitch. I dabbled in love and alcohol and drugs and finding a future and losing friends and creating friends and giving and taking and hoping. Hoping that one day, something might come together. I survived high school... barely, but I have that fucking diploma.
Then my mom assured me college was going to be difficult. Because it would be a true test of relationships you formed in high school, and developing new ones so far from home. And once again, she was right. Some high school bonds have strengthened-- and these are the people that I know will always be in my life. Some are occassionally phone calls and visits on breaks, because it's nice to stay connected. And some have lives that are completely unconnected, unrelated, and uninteresting to me. I met new friends and learned about new things and tried to connect my old world with my new one. With some people it clicked, others... ehhhh, not so much. It happens. Problem is: college presented me with a lot of those bullshit high school problems, except consequences were much larger. Missing class cause you partied too hard the night before can cost you hundreds of dollars, a grade, a scholarship, whatever it may be. Relationships seem to grow fast and dissapate even quicker. The best thing I ever did in college was to keep a relationship with my mother. We weren't BiFFs, but we had a solid relationship. That I could cry to and need and want and hate all in the same day. I have a mother who I can talk to about anything. Sex and alcohol and concerts and old boyfriends and new boyfriends and life decisions and birth control [listen, don't laugh, it can be scary to talk to your mother when she's as nosey as mine is...]. A lot of people, especially girls, don't have parents like that. And trust me, it's important.
My friends, even not the bests, know that I'm a runner. Even if things are fine, I can only sit in one place for a short period of time. I need road trips and freedom and drives at midnight to get chinese food. I'm not always running from something, but I am in constant movement. I'm spontaneous and packed with some uncanny high power of emotion. I wear them all on my sleeves: I bitch when I'm annoyed, yell when I'm mad, cry when I'm upset, you get the jist. But they're intense. I wouldn't change the way I am. It's helped my communication skills greatly. And it's let me love and live and laugh with so much of a deeper intensity. I feel with every single molecule in my body, I'm so connected to myself. And I think the "BiFFs" through the years have added to that. In every relationship, friendship, companionship that we continue to pursue, we must ask not only what we bring to the table, but if they have something to offer. I'm not a taker. I don't want to use someone for their emotion or pretty words or ability to take me out and show me a good time. I want the whole sha-bang. I want them to have their cards on the table, too. (Oh, God- kill me with my cliches!) I like to give myself. I enjoy doing good things for people. Sending cards and e-mails and leaving notes. And I enjoy people who do good things, too. Even if it's not for me in particular, but just good people.
Oh, don't get me wrong: good people do bad things. All of my life decisions haven't exactly been kosher [oh, come on- let me level with you, I know I've done some pretty bad things...]. But I can say I've learned from them. I'm not a bad person because I've made bad decisions. I'm good. A good friend. A good girlfriend. A good family member. I feel blessed as a person. I don't know why, but I feel very connected to the earth, to its people. My decisions don't compromise me as a person. They make me. They give me knowledge and know-how and questions and discovery.
I'm a sucker for discovery.
for hope.
for knowledge.
for love.
for sunshine.
for tempting fate.
for screwing with destiny.
Whatever I am: I'm rockin it. I'm making it my own. I'm a rockstar, a supermodel. I'm the girl at the party that will kick your ass in flip cup and rock it til the bonfire is out. I will remember your birthday. I will love you no matter what. I will not let you use me. I will forgive. I will listen. I will be me every moment you know me: purely, utterly, uncontrollable, mind-blowing, screwed up me. You may have to talk me down from that ledge some days. You might have to hold me while I cry. You might have to carry my drunk ass down a street and help me pick up the pieces. But I do the same. For everyone I've had and lost and found all over again: I am a friend. I'm a good damn friend. And whatever that really is deep down, I'm rockin the damn thang.
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