Rock it, sexy!

Think back to third grade. And running around and recess time with your best friends, doing cartwheels and climbing on top of the monkey bars. Remember all the notes you passed and sleepovers and engraving your initials in big hearts surround by "BFF". Best Friends Forever. Now... how many people actually TALK to your third grade bff. If it's you, congrats. But hey- I've moved over a dozen times, and keeping people from your past in your life when you're in constant motion can be difficult. There are a few exceptions, of course- they're the real friends, though.

It's amazing the different relationships and dynamics people have with one another. Different roles that we play in eachothers' lives, and how these roles morph or grow or all together dissappear throughout the time you know them. I can honestly say that all of my bests now, weren't always that. There is some point of drama in our history, yet I find that my relationships with them are all drama-free [some more than others, of course...].

In highschool my mom assured me it would be the hardest time of my life. Because I was going to be finding myself, exploring what qualities I wanted to carry into my adult years. And let me tell you: high school was a bitch. I dabbled in love and alcohol and drugs and finding a future and losing friends and creating friends and giving and taking and hoping. Hoping that one day, something might come together. I survived high school... barely, but I have that fucking diploma.

Then my mom assured me college was going to be difficult. Because it would be a true test of relationships you formed in high school, and developing new ones so far from home. And once again, she was right. Some high school bonds have strengthened-- and these are the people that I know will always be in my life. Some are occassionally phone calls and visits on breaks, because it's nice to stay connected. And some have lives that are completely unconnected, unrelated, and uninteresting to me. I met new friends and learned about new things and tried to connect my old world with my new one. With some people it clicked, others... ehhhh, not so much. It happens. Problem is: college presented me with a lot of those bullshit high school problems, except consequences were much larger. Missing class cause you partied too hard the night before can cost you hundreds of dollars, a grade, a scholarship, whatever it may be. Relationships seem to grow fast and dissapate even quicker. The best thing I ever did in college was to keep a relationship with my mother. We weren't BiFFs, but we had a solid relationship. That I could cry to and need and want and hate all in the same day. I have a mother who I can talk to about anything. Sex and alcohol and concerts and old boyfriends and new boyfriends and life decisions and birth control [listen, don't laugh, it can be scary to talk to your mother when she's as nosey as mine is...]. A lot of people, especially girls, don't have parents like that. And trust me, it's important.

My friends, even not the bests, know that I'm a runner. Even if things are fine, I can only sit in one place for a short period of time. I need road trips and freedom and drives at midnight to get chinese food. I'm not always running from something, but I am in constant movement. I'm spontaneous and packed with some uncanny high power of emotion. I wear them all on my sleeves: I bitch when I'm annoyed, yell when I'm mad, cry when I'm upset, you get the jist. But they're intense. I wouldn't change the way I am. It's helped my communication skills greatly. And it's let me love and live and laugh with so much of a deeper intensity. I feel with every single molecule in my body, I'm so connected to myself. And I think the "BiFFs" through the years have added to that. In every relationship, friendship, companionship that we continue to pursue, we must ask not only what we bring to the table, but if they have something to offer. I'm not a taker. I don't want to use someone for their emotion or pretty words or ability to take me out and show me a good time. I want the whole sha-bang. I want them to have their cards on the table, too. (Oh, God- kill me with my cliches!) I like to give myself. I enjoy doing good things for people. Sending cards and e-mails and leaving notes. And I enjoy people who do good things, too. Even if it's not for me in particular, but just good people.

Oh, don't get me wrong: good people do bad things. All of my life decisions haven't exactly been kosher [oh, come on- let me level with you, I know I've done some pretty bad things...]. But I can say I've learned from them. I'm not a bad person because I've made bad decisions. I'm good. A good friend. A good girlfriend. A good family member. I feel blessed as a person. I don't know why, but I feel very connected to the earth, to its people. My decisions don't compromise me as a person. They make me. They give me knowledge and know-how and questions and discovery.



I'm a sucker for discovery.
for hope.
for knowledge.
for love.
for sunshine.
for tempting fate.
for screwing with destiny.

Whatever I am: I'm rockin it. I'm making it my own. I'm a rockstar, a supermodel. I'm the girl at the party that will kick your ass in flip cup and rock it til the bonfire is out. I will remember your birthday. I will love you no matter what. I will not let you use me. I will forgive. I will listen. I will be me every moment you know me: purely, utterly, uncontrollable, mind-blowing, screwed up me. You may have to talk me down from that ledge some days. You might have to hold me while I cry. You might have to carry my drunk ass down a street and help me pick up the pieces. But I do the same. For everyone I've had and lost and found all over again: I am a friend. I'm a good damn friend. And whatever that really is deep down, I'm rockin the damn thang.