So this is love

Last Tuesday, at approximately 3am, my busted car made it to Western PA.

From that moment until today, Tuesday- at approximately noon, I spent every single minute with a boy. We've heard about this boy in tons of other entrys. He is the boy. He is my boy.

Now I love a lot of my friends. And can spend lots of time with them. But, typically, I need a break. It's just who I am. I loved spending every moment with him; having someone to nap with; to wash my back; to talk to; to sit in silence with. I've never been so comfortable with a person in my whole life. And I feel from him that he feels that same way about me. This past week made me see that it's possible. That I could be with him. That I could actually invest myself into living under one roof with this person. I'm not talking about marriage, people. I'm just talking about serious committment. There is a definate possibility for serious committment.

The real truth of it all kills me. Before this week I THOUGHT I could have a committment. Now, I KNOW. And it doesn't help knowing we can't have that right now. We both need to get our lives on track. I need a job I like [so does he]. I need to fix my academic mistakes [so does he]. I need to try to see other people while him and I are so far apart [so does he????]. We talked about this. He will see girls. I will see boys. We might just go on dates. Or we might kiss. Or touch. Or whatever else happens. We can't/ shouldn't put our hormones on hold. It's not just hormonal, either, it's just trying to not concentrate so much on what you can't have. Him and I will be impossible as long as we're so far apart. And we can't be together until we get our shit on track. I know, in my head, that this is the right thing. Even in my heart, I know that good things are worth waiting for. That I feel like him and I really will get that second chance we both deserve so much. I have so much faith in our love, no matter where it takes us.
But my heart also feels a bit selfish.
My heart wants him here and now. My heart doesn't want another girl to touch or kiss or whatever else with him. My heart doesn't want just any boy to touch me, because can't they see that they don't mean anything to me?

But my heart is still beating. To every rhythym it finds in the world. To a cute boy. To a compliment. To holding on. To hoping. To loving.

My heart knows what it is to love. To be loved. so i'm going to stop worrying about everything tha i can't have right now. and see what i do have.


I have love.