What a Blog!

Let me take this entry to discuss how appropriate my blog name is.
Undecided, undefined.
I figured it would be a good title for my blog when I created it. For several reasons; 1.It's from a Phish song, 2.Blogs are a place to arrange thoughts, to define things, to decide what the heck is going on, 3.I am extremely indecisive. Really, I never know what the heck I'm gonna do next.

Which leads me to today's blog: What the hell does Nicole want?

Education
I have 2.5 semesters completed at Clarion University. (Yes, even including the last semester that I botched bc I came IN with credits and took summer classes.) I have put in an application for CCP [Community College of Phila hollerrrrrrrrrrrrr] and they want me to take placement tests bla bla bla for fall classes. I have those 2.5 semesters as a Molecular Biology major. I am going to be enrolled in the Science Department at CCP. Science. Hmph. There's a lot of money there. Not only that, but I'm good at it. I do enjoy it. I can enjoy it. And I'm really, really good at it.
In high school I did that whole Creative Writing thing. And I feel as though a portion of my mental breakdown last year was due in part of losing this creative outlet. I am a good writer. I know, we don't see so much of this in my blogs. Because this is my a journal-ish thing. But I know I am a good writer. I am a strong writer. I enjoy it.
So where does this leave me? I need to get motivated to enroll myself in classes. But I need to decide. Do I want to just finish up and serve my time, transfer credits to a real university and get my B.S. in Molecular Biology. Or do I want to add a writing minor to that, slave myself in the education system for even longer, but allowing that creative part of me to flourish- hopefully saving my mental health in the process?

Employment
Bills. Tuition. Vacation. Dinner dates. Gas. Money makes the world go 'round. It's so damn true. I spent the first 4 months of this year working for a company called Hale. Nice place. They wanted too much of me though. Wanted me to move up their corporate ladder. I have bigger plans than that, though. I didn't want some corporation with limitations to suck me in. It reminded me of the way my friends from small towns talk about where they're from. How some people just never get out, never want to. I have always had bigger dreams for myself than selling my soul to a company, working my way up, and knowing that's all I'll learn for the rest of my life.
So, soon I should be working for a store that's 15 minutes from my house. [If I pass the drug test, that is. Results should be in by now, I'll give the store a call tomorrow... keep your fingers crossed.] I really like the store. I really like the manager and all of the employees that I met. I really like that it's a good job to have while still in school, taking classes. That the store will recognize my life will go on. I go in, I work my hours, I get my paycheck. Simple. I like that. I really want this job. It's pretty perfect for my life right now.

Family
Anyone who knows me personally, knows that my family is full of crazed individuals. Not one person in my family is "normal". They can't even pretend to be "normal". They're perpetually crazy with spikes of insanity. But they are mine. They are my family. And while I go on rants sometimes, I hate it when people try to add their 2 cents of information on my family. I know they're not perfect. I know I bitch. But don't you dare trash talk my mother. She's not the best all of the time. And even I call her shitty things when I go on my rants. But that's out of my frustration. I vent, but still hold all the love in the world for my family in my heart. So when I bitch, you listen as a friend. You nod when I need agreement. You say you're there for me. But you do not pass judgement on my family. They're insane. But we've all been through a lot. More than any one person should be in a lifetime. More than most will ever go through in a lifetime. Ahem, well yea- now that that's done.
My family drives me crazy. I live with my mother now, again. And I came home to face my problems. And in doing so, I think I've realized my biggest problem: my family. I have severe family issues. My mother, my brother, my grandmother. Somedays I even think I have Daddy issues. Yep, for the daddy that never was. And I've realized that time isn't going to fix it all. Time will help me cope, but I'll never be 100% ok with my family. I will accept them. And love them. And be there for them. But they will always drive me crazy. They will push me too far. They make me wonder why I'm alive or if I'm really worth it. They beat my emotions up so hard that I wish I didn't have any emotions at all.
I will always love my family. But I can't live here anymore. I can't be in the same house. I can not live here anymore. It's not running away. I came home; I faced it. And I have no clue where I need to be. But it's not here. We all get along much better when we don't live on top of eachother. I need to not live here anymore.

Location, Location, Location
So if not here, then where? I need a roommate. A partner in crime. Somebody who wants out as much as I do. Somebody who I can do the everyday things with. Who will be great and fun and all of those wonderful things, but know when I need my space. Cause, trust me kids, this girl needs space sometimes. But where am I going? And with who? And how soon? By the end of this yea I plan on having a few thousand saved. Enough to get up and started somewhere. I'm good with bills. And coupon clipping and saving. So it's not actually being somewhere that's the issue, just getting there. And who the hell am I going anywhere with?

Friends
I love my people. We're a diverse and friendly and spontaneous and sincere crew. They're devoted and lovable, and really how much more could you want from best friends? Their strength has helped me through so many difficult times, and I know our journey is just getting started. This may be the only thing that I'm sure of in my life: my friends. They're a good bunch of people. And I just have no idea what I'd do without them. They're the only real and dependable and splendid bunch of people that I'm just so glad to call my own. Well, that's ONE thing I guess, haha.

Love
Oh, love. For as long as I can remember, I have been the hopeless romantic. When I was a kid, I was saving everything for marriage. Even "2nd base". It's funny how much things change. How I thought my first boyfriend was it. And GOOD GOD how FAR away from the truth I was about that one. And then there was another one. And, for sure, HE was the one. Psh. Yea... right. And that's me. Getting wrapped up and involved and broken time and time again.
Except this one time I met this different boy. And everything about us getting together was all wrong, but we did it anyway. And it was the first long distance thing I've ever had, but I did it anyway. And he left the state for months and I figured there was no way in hell my sex drive would pause, but it did. Then I left the COUNTRY to spend days getting drunk with goodlooking peers in such a beautiful, exotic place and I figured that there was no way temptation would contain me, but it did. I told him I loved him and it wasn't returned, but I survived. And we broke up and broke my heart, but I survived. And we mantained a friendship. That has grown to be so much of a friendship to me. He's such an important person in my life. And I love him, I do. Some days I want nothing more than to just be with him and around him and have him and have nobody else have him the way that I do. At the same time, I think... maybe I'll go out tonight and have a drink and meet a strange boy to make out with. And when I go out, I can meet a nice stranger and have great talks and then when I'm supposed to have my hands all over him, it just doesn't feel right. It's just not the right one. So does that mean that this boy is the right one? Because even after we've been broken up for over a year, he still has my heart all wrapped up in him. Bah. Who knows? Because I sure as hell don't. I take it one day at a time. I hope to see him at least once a month. My heart leaps when he decides to drive to me or call me or says wonderful things to me. But if I can't do the same for him, then what does it matter what he does for me?
Love. For something so intangible, it's so damn powerful.


So... me. That's me. That's crazy, undecisive me. I can overwhelm myself a lot. Just by thinking about all this crap. All the debt I've put myself in: literally, metaphorically, whatever. And I'm so ready to cash it all in. Figure it out. Get something solid and started. Feel motivated and wanted and to know what I want and have the challenge, the means, of getting it. But I guess we'll know where we're supposed to be when it's time. And then we'll know that we would have done something right...


<3Nicole Lynne Hansen