time, time, time

eight minutes to blog. but if i don't do it now then it'll never get done. i've fallen so behind on this. so unlike me.

lots of thinking lately. and i can't help it. feelings and emotions and decisions that make me as happy as they do choke me. so real. o REAL. maybe one of the most real risks i've come to, and not just because it's a risk but also bc if it doesnt work... then thats it/. if it doesnt work then it isnt real and i made it all up. in my head. emotion emotion emotion. where is love what is love IS this love. because it feels like so much and i feel like i can just get lost in it forever and ivm afraid of that bc ive been lost in love before. and sharing a house. never done that. not with a love. someone in my space. real life now. what is alone time. ohyea, it doesnt exist in that setting. maybe ill run away to a friends one night to drink wine and talk and be silly. but i want to go home to him. there is no one else when theres him. its only him. so why am i afraid. if we take this risk and it fails then maybe ill never really know how to find love. maybe i dont know real love when it hit me-- bc this feels so real and so true and already im scared for my freedom. funny thing is, i think he may cherish his own alone time as much as i do, if not more. so maybe we will be ok. maybe we can go to our separate corners. and love each other. and hate each other just enough to be able to spend time apart when it;s needed. EVERYONE needs space. i know that. he knows that.but right now im not thinking about the pace. im thinking about how much i really really DO want him here. but growing up feels so scary.


i feel like i find myself more everyday i spend feeling and thinking and second guessing. and the only real conclusion i have right now, is that this risk is most definitely worth it. he may be the most wonderful thing to stroll into my life. and maybe we'll find out for certain.